Deliver me
by Elyang
Summary: After Home was destroyed, what did Rikku think? And what do you think she tried? PG-13 for suicidal and unhappy thoughts...


The buzzing of the engine and the sobs and cries and shouts of everyone above seemed to drive her mad, but maybe she already was. It seemed the only place she could get privacy was inside the engine room, where no one was allowed inside. She had just slipped in when no one was looking and took refuge in the noisy, buzzing room.  
  
Rikku just sat in the far corner of the engine room crying to herself. She was rocking back and forth with her knees pulled to her chest, and her head buried between her arms. The front of her orange top was already stained with tears, and she didn't even make a dent when she was beating the wall next to her.  
  
Home was gone again. The years of happiness and bliss had just been blown away.  
  
The Guado had come and destroyed everything. They destroyed her memories, her best friend, her home, her people, her hope, and they took her cousin. And to make things better, Wakka had just cracked a joke about how Home looked like some fireworks festival when it was being bombed to smithereens.  
  
Haha. Rikku was laughing her ass off.  
  
She broke into another fit of loud sobs. She could not hold it, not one Al Bhed could. She was sure that her father also had his share of tears in private, as the leader of the Al Bhed, he had to stay strong for everyone. It was a demanding job, but who else could do it anyway?  
  
Damn them. Damn the Guado and their stupid fiends. Damn Yevon, and their stupid teachings. And damn Wakka for his stupid jokes.  
  
Al Bhed are humans, they cry, they bleed, they feel, and they die. They have all those emotions, but Yevon thinks that they're just some stain on the clean fabric of Spira, just some animals that are useless and prowl Spira, mindless of whatever happens to the world.  
  
That's what Yevon thinks, but it's not true.  
  
'It's not true,' she thought.  
  
"It's not true!" she stood up and yelled, "We are human beings, we live, we cry, we bleed, and we feel. Our lives are not in their hands and disposal. It is our choice! Not theirs!"  
  
Then she collapsed and started to cry again. Then again, she never did stop, did she?  
  
What's the use? No one would listen anyway.  
  
The Guado took Yuna, and who knows what they were doing to her now.  
  
But then, she thought, maybe it was her fault that Yuna was kidnapped. It was her idea in the first place to kidnap the summoners, she represented the idea to her father, and he agreed. Maybe if she never told her father to take the summoners, Home would have never been destroyed, and Yuna wouldn't have been kidnapped.  
  
"It's all my fault..." she said bitterly.  
  
If it wasn't for her, none of this would have happened right? Home might have still been there and she wouldn't have been a burden to Yuna anymore.  
  
Rikku looked at her weapon that was still attached to her hand.  
  
She killed fiends with it, she attacked the Guado with it, and she helped kill Seymour with it. And she was sure it could do much more.  
  
She could drive it into her chest, or slit her wrist with it, or slash herself and die of blood loss.  
  
Yuna didn't need her. She had her guardians-Tidus, Lulu, Wakka, Khimari, and Auron. All of them were much more useful than her. Yuna didn't need an Al Bhed for more criticism. Nothing would change if Rikku was gone; maybe it would even be easier for them to make her journey if she was gone.  
  
Rikku brought her hand up to her chest and dug into her skin and slid her claws along gracefully, drawing dark, red blood.  
  
It hurt, but it was nothing compared to the pain she was feeling inside.  
  
"Someone deliver me from my pain," she whispered in the engine room, with the buzzing and cries from above.  
  
"Who can deliver you?"  
  
Rikku looked up from the floor that was already stained with her blood, and she saw Auron, the greatest guardian who ever lived.  
  
"How did you find me?" she said quietly.  
  
"Who can deliver you?" he repeated.  
  
She looked to the side, at nothing in particular.  
  
"Maybe I can deliver myself," she said with a smile on her face.  
  
Rikku brought her claw to her throat and looked straight at Auron.  
  
"Maybe I can deliver myself from pain," she said again.  
  
"What about Yuna and your father and your brother?" he asked.  
  
She looked away and said, "They're better off without me."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"If it wasn't for me maybe Home would still be there, I suggested that we take the summoners you know," more tears fell and it mixed with her blood, she inhaled the smell and continued, "maybe if I didn't suggest anything, the Guado wouldn't have come for Yuna, and she might still be here, and they would have no reason to attack Home."  
  
Rikku lowered her weapon and stared at her hands, and she saw her blood on them. But the blood on her hands seemed like her people's blood, it was her fault they were gone, wasn't it?  
  
"It's all my fault, Auron..." she buried her face in her hands, letting her blood-her people's blood stain her face.  
  
"My fault..." she said again and again and again, she just sat there rocking back and forth. Auron was watching her and he said nothing. He offered no words of comfort, no consolation, maybe he was agreeing, she thought.  
  
Rikku brought her hand shakily to her throat and opened her eyes and stared at Auron again.  
  
"Maybe everything would be better if I was gone, right?"  
  
Auron stepped closer and put his hand on hers, he brought it down slowly and said, "I won't stop you. But I want you to think first. What would the others think?"  
  
Rikku laughed bitterly and answered, "Wakka would probably be happy."  
  
"Then don't think about him," he said firmly, "think about Yuna, your father, and brother."  
  
"Yuna would probably be sad," she said, "as well as my father and brother, but they will move on, they don't need me."  
  
"Do you think they will ever be the same if you're gone? Will Yuna have the strength to carry on with her pilgrimage? Will your father have the strength to be the leader he needs to be? Will your brother have a happy life without you?"  
  
Rikku looked up and shook her head, no they wouldn't.  
  
"But I've made so many mistakes, so many deaths because of me," she said quietly.  
  
"Do you think the Guado or Yevon would've left Home to be, if you weren't there? And Seymour, would he not have the desire to marry Yuna, if you weren't there?"  
  
She shook her head again, no.  
  
"Then none of it this your fault, if it did not happen now, they would still pursue it in the future."  
  
Rikku let more tears fall, she fell forward into his red coat and cried into his chest.  
  
"I don't want to be here anymore, it hurts too much..." she said as she cried.  
  
Auron put his hand on her back and said, "Everyone feels that way sometimes, but there's no way to end it. All we can do is fight."  
  
"What if I give up fighting?" she asked.  
  
"You can't. But there is always someone there for you, your family and your friends. Find consolation in them, you can fight together."  
  
They sat in silence for a long while, and Rikku eventually stopped crying. She leaned back into the wall, closed her eyes and sighed deeply.  
  
"I'll be alright, I can fight now."  
  
Auron stood up to leave but before he walked out the door Rikku called out to him.  
  
"Hey Auron, thanks."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For delivering me."  
  
End  
  
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Just something small I thought of. Hope you enjoyed. ^____^ 


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